PROLOGUE

Have you experienced in your life that somehow you were looking for something, and yet you do not know what is it you’re looking for? I did. There was a time in my life that I had several questions lurking in my mind, things that seem pretty dumb, or at some way too vast for my mind to handle. I was lost, edgy, like a cat on a hot tin roof. I do not know what to do, and I do not know what I am living for. I felt uneasy and wanted to escape my reality. So I did things in accordance to my own desire, my own preferences, and my own strength of character. And things became even worse.

I decided to write down some of the things that happened to me when I was very lost and nowhere to be found, a soul searching for his purpose in life, a man trying desperately to fit in the world I grew up with, a warrior fighting against the battles of time. This is me then, and I will show you who I am now.

I believe that EVERY CHAPTER OF MY LIFE IS IMPORTANT. Every second, every hour, every day of my life is significant and of great essence. But if I write everything that has happened to me for the whole complete years of my existence, I don’t think I would be able to complete this book. I started writing this book last 2006, and I kept adding and adding several events and episodes of my life, so I really had no time to finish and publish it. And finally, I decided to include only the events that are very memorable to me, since all these events that had happened in the past is a part of God’s history of salvation for me, and for that I am very grateful.

When I first started writing my experiences, it was only like writing in a blog. I did it because it was the trend at that time, the famous fad. But then, I had this desire to write about all my experiences, all the goodness God did to me. But then I started asking, “Why”? Why would I waste my time writing about my life? Who will be stupid enough to be interested in reading a story of a person they barely know? So I started researching and asking people questions on why they want to write their history, hoping that maybe, just maybe, some of their answers would be applicable to me.

Some say that writing is a form of relaxation; that they need to write in order to put order to their thoughts, just like in a journal. But for me, if I want to relax, I’ll just lie on my bed and go to sleep. That’s my favorite way of relaxation. I also heard that writing is a form of a marketing instrument that it helps to promote one’s self. If he wants to become known, he could try to create a consistent autobiography and promote it. In this way, he may get to be known by others, he may get to be popular; for journalists, for example, it is vital. But I am not a journalist. I’m a software engineer, so I don’t need to write just so I would be popular. I just have to create impressive and notable softwares together with my team. So this reason doesn’t work out for me either. One guy said it was because of loneliness, that people are lonely. They don’t have people around to listen to them, so they end up arranging a conversation with wider audience through writing. It doesn’t suit me either. I already belong in a community in the Church when I started writing my experiences, so I already have other people to listen to me shooting the breeze. So after several attempts, to no avail, I did not have a single answer from people, only now that I realized why I wanted to write about my experiences.

So now, maybe you will ask, “So what is it? Why did you write about your history?”. It is because of only one thing. To announce to the people how good God is, how He allowed me to see how beautiful my history is, how on every chapter of my life, He is with me, how on every suffering, every struggle, every cross, He saves me from the pit of death. This is the reason. God loves me the way I am, and I don’t have to strain myself using my own strength and will to make people love me, because I know for a fact that there is someone who loves me the way I am. And if He saved me from death several times, loving me the way I am right now, and giving me the grace to ask mercy to Him to convert my heart everyday of my life, He does it also to each and every one of you in different ways, different aspects, and different outlooks. There is a God. He exists. He forgives. He loves. This is the reason why I continued writing and finishing this book. To announce to the people how God loves us the way we are.

I saw in different books that most of the writers, in the first page of their books, they write their special thanks and dedications, so I started thinking on who to thank for and to whom will I dedicate this book. I do not have any particular or special person to thank for but I do thank God for giving me the grace to know Him little by little and allowing me to experience a taste of the life He prepared for me. I thank Him for His mercy and His grace. I thank Him for finding me. I thank Him for He has not forsaken me, nor He has forgotten me. If I include all the reasons on why should I thank Him, this prologue will not be over until a couple of years or so.

For those people who feel that they are all alone, lost and nowhere to be found, who thinks that there is no hope anymore, I dedicate this story to all of you. Life is serious. Be grateful for He has given you more than what you can imagine, more than what you expected, even more than what you deserved. I know because I am.

This story is not at all about me. This is a story about God, on how He has pulled me out of the pit of death.

The whereabouts of a lost soul.

CHAPTER ONE

The Man in the Iron Mask

Forbidden City. A place where men voluntarily and eagerly do things of evil. Crimes are somewhat legal and good people are only a few. This is where I grew up. This is where I started walking. This is where I live.

I am the eldest of three male siblings. My mother has a foreign blood and my father is a pure Filipino. Most of my foreign relatives in my mother side already live outside of the country, so I do not really know most of them. However, some of her Filipino relatives still reside here, and I am also very close to them. When I was a kid, I used to go to her uncle’s place and live with his family for the vacation. He doesn’t look a lot like a Filipino, although he speaks the language very fluently. They are very rich and work as big bosses of different prestigious and prominent companies in the country. With regards to my father’s relatives, I am well acquainted with them and hang out with them almost everyday even until now. Some of them also lives in the U.S. and visits the country every once in a while.

When I was a kid, I started having these abnormal attacks. We do not really know what it is and why it happens. I do not even recall how I got it. From what I remember, I started having these attacks when I was in third grade. When I entered high school, these attacks became recurrent and continual. My family thought it was just because I was anemic, or over-fatigued, so we ignored it for so many years. Until after my high school graduation, my aunt, who is the Head Nurse of Somerset Medical Hospital in New Jersey, went home to have a vacation here and spend her time with us. Without hesitation, she told us that what I have are seizures, and I should go and consult her neurologist friend here in the Philippines. So we did. After several tests, which I hated so much, the lady neurologist told us that I’m epileptic, and I am already having seizures. She tried to trace the reason on why I had this illness, she went back to my family background, and none of my relatives on both sides have epilepsy. She thought maybe there was some sort of an accident that might triggered it. My mother told her about an incident when I was still a young boy, I had an accident wherein a nail got through my head. I do not remember that accident; however, I still see the skid mark it left whenever I had my hair shaved. Even up to this moment, I still take medicinal maintenance to prevent my seizures.

When I was still in high school, I was actually one of the brightest students in the class, I belong to different youth organizations, clubs, councils and entered different contests and factions just to please my parents and myself. I was considered as one of the good boys of the school. I never got into trouble regarding fighting with other students. I befriended most of them, especially in our batch. But I despise some of my teachers, to the point of disobeying them and answering back. I was a pro-student, a messenger, and a voice of the youth back then. I was an officer of the student council, the science club, the values formation team, knights of the altar, and a member of different organizations such as the arts and crafts club, eureka math club, and a contributor of the school paper, the HEY! newsletter. I both do sketches and articles for the said paper. I actually enjoyed doing all of it. Well… almost.

Most of the people I knew, especially my teachers, believed that I was one of the students who had enriching values. You see, I tend to maintain a good image, not because I want to, but because I had to. I belong to a well-known family here in our place. My mom is a well-respected chemistry teacher who works in the same school I’m studying, my dad is a renowned artist, who happens to be one of the founders of a critically acclaimed art group in our province, and his sister is my principal, who is actually married to our town’s vice-mayor. Everything is actually complicated at that time, and I never wanted my life to be that way, so I had to hide everything about me. The real me.

I first tried smoking when I was in grade three. I remember I had a school record together with my friends and our parents were invited to the principal’s office afterwards. But when I reached high school, I discretely started smoking and drinking with my classmates everytime we get the hang of it. We watched porn movies back then and did a couple of stuff that people might misinterpret back then. I did a lot of bad things at the back of my parents. They never knew about it. I never told them. I was so busy engaging myself into the evil world that I forgot all about the meaning of the word “life”. I was hiding inside a mask. My favorite icon. I used to call myself "The Mask" when I was in high school. I believed this is what I’ve been doing all along. Hiding behind the mask. A face that I never had.

I am pretty much the man in the iron mask.

CHAPTER TWO

War against the Machines

Like what I told you, I belong from a well-known family in our town. And because of that, I got very much pressured with the expectations of our family. So I ended up doing things on my own. I started hating my father for his treatment, I started hating my aunt for her conduct towards me, and I started hating myself for the life I have been living. I could not see my own flaws, my own mistakes, my own sins, and was blaming everybody else for my own blunders and slip-ups. And so I entered into several vices and did even more damage to my own body. I got hooked with drinking, gambling, smoking, drug intakes, and I flirted with several women for personal pleasure. I did all of these as a sign of rebellion against God, my parents, my relatives, and myself. And I was on the verge of death.

When I first went to college, I didn’t realize I would be stuck into trouble as often as the sun shines in the morning. My vices started to increase as soon as I graduated high school. It felt like I escaped from a contaminated prison hell. I did everything into my pleasure’s delight. I drank ’till the morning came, smoked ‘till my lungs popped out, and pushed myself to the limits. I took different types of drugs; shabs, coke, party, steroids, mj, tabs, pills, shrooms, you name it! Almost everyday, I was so high in drugs that I sometimes forget the things I’ve been doing, and the things I’m supposed to do. I was with my friends all the time and did everything I wanted to do… well… sort of.

I studied at a very prominent and renowned university in Manila. I had friends and schoolmates who were close to me since they also do the same vices that I had. So instead of studying, I ended up doing vices even more, womanizing, gambling, taking drugs, cutting classes for drinking sessions, and doing things at my own will. So I got kicked out of school because of my addiction. My relatives couldn’t take it any longer, and I do not have anybody to trust and rely on. So I ended up even more miserable than usual.

My parents told me to move to my aunt’s place and study there instead of hanging out in my old university. There, I studied at a very small computer school and I became what most people call "a big fish in a small pond". I was at the top of my game. The only problem is I still have my vices.

I had friends from high places there. We hang out together. Do weird things and stuff. Being with them makes my life so much complicated than it was before. All we did was drink, party, do drugs, and end up in trouble. I had a couple of fights to some people although I did not really originate from that place. I had all the power I can have because of the friends I met there. We did so much trouble to some people that they ended up begging for their lives or in the hospital with serious injuries. Some, even worst…

We came up with an idea of how to raise money to sustain our vices. We did illegal stuff and started dealing with some of my friends’ relatives so that the business will flourish. First, we sold drugs to college students and those people who are not studying anymore. We first did a couple of jobs and then ended up with regular clients. We were earning a lot of money but it was easily laundered due to our regular intakes of drugs. Abuse of the body is our main problem at that time.

When we could not supply our vices anymore, and revenues aren’t enough, we decided to sell something else. Guns. We had common likeness and enthusiasm regarding guns, so we decided, why not sell them too? And so we did. We became the youngest and one of the top dealers of guns and drugs in that place. We became a popular group, with 5 leaders, me together with my 4 friends belonging to high places. We called ourselves "Lords", just like in medieval England, and I was one of the 5 Lords. We even had fights with different groups organizing in that place and no one, not even the cops, could stop us. It was hell with war and the war continued for 2 years. We were fighting with our beliefs and doing things that destroyed the lives of many. There was no magic at all. Everything is hell. And all the plots regarding troubles, group fights, cop fights are plotted out by one of the Lords.

The Lord of War.

Me.

CHAPTER THREE

Battle for Middle-Earth

I and the other Lords are so much into group fights back then, and we did a lot of damage to other people’s lives. Most people hated us for what we did. Some of them liked us, not because they liked what we were doing, but because they needed something from us. Guns. Drugs. The market was very good. Business is running so well. But we became aware that the world we were walking through is getting smaller and smaller, shrinking until we can’t move any longer. People started to despise us, hate us; they were beginning to be afraid of us. Well, they should be. We’ve been doing the work of the devil for quite a long time and we became masters of it, in our very own way. We had so many enemies. The cops are after us, the competition is getting high, and the number of people we pissed off is getting higher and higher. We became much aware of the situation and so we tried to be very careful. Extra ammunition and protection were needed. Since I was the Lord of War, I added 5 more units in my team. The rest did the same thing. Everyone became cautious to what might happen next.

While all of this is continuously happening, business still continued to flourish. Revenues continued to rise higher and higher. And money continued to cash in. Our vices were never put to an end, instead, dosage became higher and higher since taking drugs became a big part of our system.

One time, I had a drinking session with my friends and some of our men after playing a little softball. We brought all our equipment with us, I had my steel baseball bat, and some of my friends had their gloves and stuff. We were so drunk on alcohol and at the same time, so high on drugs that we did a lot of weird stuff. In the middle of the session, a group of men went to approach us. We never recognized them at first, but when they got closer and closer, we realized that they were the competition! They were very pissed off with us because we became more popular and we stole most of their clients, especially the college students who became our regular clients for drug trafficking.

I realized they were going to attack us, so I grabbed my bat lying behind me and signaled my friends and my men to be ready. When they got close enough, I gripped my bat and got ready to kick some butt. One of them flipped the table we were using and all the beers, food, and glassware placed at the table crashed to pieces at the floor. I then started hitting people with my bat. Everyone got so furious, and it was like a very big battle against each other.

I saw one of the opposing leaders and I realized he was one of my greatest enemies. I then thought that it was the best time to whack him since he was facing the other direction. Without hesitation, I quickly hit him at the back, aiming at the back of his head. He fell down on his knees and lay down facing the floor. I then thought he’s a goner, although I never saw blood coming out of the area where I hit him. I just thought he’s dead.

Everyone started running afterwards into different directions. We never came back to that place again for quite some time. And you’ll never believe what happened next…

CHAPTER FOUR

Inside The Coliseum

That night, I was so high on drugs, at the same time so drunk in so much alcohol that I felt like my head is starting to pop out. I went home feeling so bad and thinking that what happened earlier that afternoon was somewhat not really good at all. In fact, guilt is actually killing me already. I never felt that way before. It was so horrible that I actually couldn’t sleep that night. I was wearing my boxers, a sleeveless shirt, and a pair of sleepers before I went to bed, until something happened. Something I never expected happened.

Someone knocked on the door. It was very late that night and we weren’t expecting any visitors at all. My aunt was already fast asleep and only I and my uncle had kept awake for quite some time. My uncle opened the door and he saw two cops waiting outside, talking politely to him, looking for somebody, I think. I went out of my room to check it out, and when the two cops immediately saw me, they asked for my name. I gave them mine and then they started talking about a warrant of arrest and they want to invite me at the station for a few questioning. I started to panic and told my uncle that I never want to come, but the two cops were very, very persistent. I went along with my uncle by my side, while my aunt, who has a very complicated heart failure, is fast asleep.

At the station, the two cops were questioning me regarding the incident that afternoon. They found out that there was one man who died in a gang war. They said that he was hit by something hard at the back of his head. The hit never created any flesh wound, causing to have blood clots in the brain of the victim, resulting to his death. They said there were some people who saw us drinking at the scene before it happened, and they eventually identified us for we were already popular at the said place. I was stunned and I didn’t know what to do, so all I said was I don’t know anything about it.

They have me stayed at a cell for the night until everything clears out and they want to make sure I will not escape. After all, I AM still wanted for murder. I will only be cleared if someone paid for my bail. Since it was late night already, my uncle could not get any money. So, I was forced to stay at a cell.

After going inside, I then realized that most of the people inside were actually looking at my legs, my skin, almost my whole body. I actually have a white complexion and I am still wearing my boxers and my sleeveless shirt. Some people would try to grab my ass, while some whistle like they want to have me… sexually. I was so frightened that I started screaming to my uncle for help, that I don’t want to be left there. Then, at the minute I started crying, someone approached me, a 50-year old guy, who at first, I thought wants to have a piece of me too. But then he started telling me that everything will be alright, and he will protect me. He said that he was charged with multiple crimes; murder, rape, and arson. He will be staying in jail for the rest of his life and he doesn’t want the same thing to happen to me. He said that I still have a future to look forward to, only if I will make the best out of the present. He’s the first one to tell me that making mistakes in life is definitely normal, that’s one of the easiest ways to learn what’s right and what’s wrong. Doing the same mistake again is definitely out of hand, it’s like escaping to the truth that doing the right thing is actually what’s best for everybody. I kinda like it the way he said it. He’s like a father talking to a son. But then something happened. The guys behind us started to get furious. They still want a piece of me! I don’t want to get sexually abused by them! They are all men! So, the guy I was talking about do something about it. Right at that moment, he then started fighting those men like he was only picking up dirt off the floor! He’s so good that no man could stop him.

That night, I went to sleep, confident that no one would dare touch me. For my savior was actually awake all night, listening to every voice, watching to every move, and fast deciding to what should be done in case they tried to touch me again. I felt relieved for a little, knowing that what the guy told me is the truth. He’s right all along. I still have a chance. And I have to do something about it. Right now.

The next morning, I was bailed out by my friends from high places, the other "Lords". They found out about what happened so they decided to have a meeting about it. The meeting was all about what we did that afternoon of the crime. And it was one hell of a meeting…

CHAPTER FIVE

The Hours

After what happened to me, from the moment I was caught, and up to the time my "co-Lords" bailed me out, it was then the time I had to stood up and make a decision, a decision I know I won’t regret for the rest of my life here on earth. I was stunned by what happened and after thinking about it for several times, I realized I had to stand up for what I believe in and tell it straight to the faces of my so-called "friends".

I was sure that time that I had to think of something so that I could get out of the mess I got into. I don’t want to harden my life after what happened to me. I was certain the moment had arrived to do the best I can to stop it. I had to quit the organization. And I had to tell it all by myself.

My "co-Lords" arranged a meeting for the five of us. We had a closed-door meeting in one of our hideouts, and the agenda was mainly about what happened the day before I was bailed out of jail. Everyone was shocked, not because something horrible happened, but because the cops found out about us. Everyone was afraid, not because there’s a dead man on our trail, but because we might get caught and the operations will come to end. Everyone was thinking the same thing, feeling the same fear, paranoid of the same concept, everyone but me.

I was not shocked for the cops knew what happened; I was shocked for I never imagined myself killing someone. I was not afraid that we might get caught and the operations will come to end, rather I was afraid that what I did was wrong, and I did not do anything about it. I was not paranoid of the whole idea that the death of someone might be the end of our careers, rather I was paranoid of the idea that I did something wrong, or even worse… something evil.

At the middle of the meeting, I then stood up for what I believe in. I told them that I don’t want to be a part of the organization anymore. That I don’t want to do the things that we’ve been doing for the last two years, and that I don’t want to lead my men to hell. In short, I want out.

At first everyone was shocked. All four of them. I don’t know if I was just paranoid or something, but after I told them that I want out, I began daydreaming of the things that I saw in action movies. Most people who want out of their illegal organizations never came out alive. They were allowed to quit but their bodies were found dead afterwards in a distant river or the office or even by a hit-and-run. I began to frighten myself after I told them what I feel. And it was a nightmare in the middle of the afternoon I will never forget for the rest of my life.

The nightmare was then interrupted when one of my friends began talking about him wanting to get out too. He said that he had to manage their business in the states so he could not stay any longer with us. After that, everybody was talking about getting out, quitting the organization, and moving out of the country. I then realized that these guys were actually afraid too of what happened, and they were already thinking of their own personal alibis just to get out, without noticing their fear and their paranoia. I was different. I told them what I really felt that moment. That I don’t want to see dead bodies no more. The killing and the selling should come to an end once and for all.

Of course, our problems were never solved after that meeting. We agreed on one thing and one thing only; that we should all quit. But the real problem arises; what shall we tell to our men? And how will they take it? Will they go with us? Or against us?

CHAPTER SIX

Doing the Right Thing

After me and my "co-Lords" had that meeting, which turned out really fine, we decided to spill out the news to our men. We knew that they would not take it the good enough, for most of them depended in the organization too much. Some are just too afraid of us that they don’t have a word coming out of their mouths. We actually predicted already that these guys will not take us seriously by the time we tell them that we want out of the organization. And that’s what troubles me. Very much, I say.

We had our weekly meeting for arrangement of our goods and stuff. Our men are always included in that weekly meeting, so that assignments will be very clear and actions will be precise. That time, we wanted to tell them the news about us, the "Lords", wanting out of the organization. And so, we did. We told them what transpired in the meeting and we thought everything was already perfectly clear, crystal clear. But it turns out to be worse than we’ve expected. One of our men stood up and told us that we’re not capable anymore of handling the organization, and everything’s messed up, and so, he wanted to take over everything, be the boss, be the man, be the new "Lord".

Of course, we don’t want that kind of stuff to happen, although we don’t want to continue with what we were doing, we still don’t want anyone taking over our firm. We started it, we created it, we established it, earned a lot of money from it, and we’re the ones who’ll put a stop to it. And any scumbag who dares to take over our firm is definitely a pain in our necks, and something should be done about it, at least that was our principle that time.

By just standing up to what that jerk believes in and wanting to take over our organization, some of our men turned their backs against us and followed his way. He then created his own firm, and became one of our deadliest and most feared rivals. Of course, we began fearing him, for all his thoughts and views, all his concepts, all his beliefs, came from the combined minds of 5 different Lords. And because of that, we knew what he’s capable of doing, when he’s going to do it, and how’s he planning to do it. It’s like fighting your own shadow, only better than you. Better than everybody else.

Few of our men retained with the firm, but eventually, they then started to realize that we had a good point. It must come to an end. So, after a few realizations of some sorts, they ended up doing the same thing, quitting, just like what we did.

We thought the nightmares will finally come to an end, only to realize that it was just the beginning of another tragedy… something that we regretted for the rest of our lives…

CHAPTER SEVEN

Death Valley

After several days, we found out that the dead guy on our trail was not really the guy I hit with my bat, it was the same incident but different guy, and we found out who he was and who killed him. When I was in one of my co-Lords’ place, we found out from our informer and inside man that it was another guy who was killed by our former right hand man who became our greatest and most feared rival. I got cleared from the case and the police were not after me anymore.

We knew that it was already time for us to bid our farewells to each other, so I and my "co-Lords" decided to have some fun before we parted our ways. We thought having fun together will at least give us enough time to remember each other, not with the memories of the evil things we did to most of the people in that place, but with the memories of us being together, finally feeling happy with each other, and remembering the days of all our fun with peace and contentment in our minds and hearts. After a long and overdue talk of to where and when to go, we finally came up with the decision of going someplace quiet, a resort of some kind, and spend the rest of our days there… together.

When weekend came, we decided to do our thing; we went to a popular resort and decided to stay there for the rest of the weekend. Two or three days won’t actually hurt, at least that’s what we thought, and we proved ourselves wrong. It was one of the worst weekends and most horrifying experiences of all our lives.

I had a very close friend in one of my "co-Lords", and we always stick together even until the morning comes. We did most of our partying together, drank beer together, shared our deepest secrets and problems together, and solved every situation we had together. He became one of my closest buddies, and he will always be. He was my alter-ego in the organization. I was the Lord of War and he was the Lord of Peace.

The rest of the "Lords" went inside the hotel, unpacking their bags then went to the lobby for a nice chat, while I and my close friend went for a walk, contemplating what had transpired for the last couple of days. We both realized that what we did was wrong, and he actually decided to turn himself in, thinking that it would be the best way to ease the pain he had for the past couple of days. I never agreed to him for making that decision, for I don’t want to go back to jail… AGAIN, and it was actually a shock to me knowing his personality and his background. He would never want to give himself in without a valid reason. Maybe his conscience is already killing him.

As we were walking and continually conversing with our thoughts and views, I suddenly heard a gunshot. I was shocked! Maybe terrified. I turned my head left and right looking from where the gunshot came from, and also looking if anybody’s hurt or what. Five guards went doing the same thing that I’ve been doing, also looking for the gunman and if anybody was hurt. But to no avail, they also found no one.

Since I found no shadow at all, I looked for my buddy, and before I even speak to him, he was already gone. At first, I didn’t know where to look for, but then I looked below my feet and there he was, lying on the floor, with blood on his shirt. I then realized that he was the one who got shot, and I was too preoccupied looking for the shooter, only too late to realize that it was my buddy who actually got shot in the middle of the resort.

I was too shocked with what I saw. I didn’t know what to do, even what to say, or worst, what to think. I was stunned with what I saw. And when I leaned on his head, I started crying, still not knowing what to do. He then began to utter a few words, I never understood clearly what he was telling me, but all I picked up was something like he wanted me to be what I should be, a good man. He wanted everything to stop, all the evil things we did to people, and all the things we thought should be doing. He wanted to be the one to help his family; instead, he became a black sheep. He doesn’t want me to be like that. He wanted me to change my ways and go back to my parents. And lastly, he still wanted me to be his friend… always. It was the moment that I realized that everything could turn out really well, only if I did the right thing. Just right then, he died. I started crying, tears flowing through my cheeks, and hate began to conquer me, hate for myself and for the one who did that to my friend. Fear and anger began to consume me. And I never knew what to do. It was an experience I’ll never forget, and the truth behind all of that did not even shocked me. I already knew who did that, and I’m pretty sure knew what to do about it…

CHAPTER EIGHT

Moses

After the death of our Lord of Peace, several events happened that made us even more and more cautious and wary on our own lives. Another Lord was found dead just near our province. His body was found dead inside a case floating in a famous river. Another one had an incident wherein he as inside his car when suddenly a group of men smashed his windshield and his face got all damaged and fractured. When we went to visit him in the hospital, we could barely recognize him. The other remaining Lord had his own misfortune; he was walking one night in a famous place of hang-out when a group of men attacked him and started shooting at him. Luckily, he survived the mishap.

After all I’ve been through; I decided to go back to our place, the place where I grew up, where everything started out fresh. I thought maybe I could start a new life there; it seems to me that all my life, I was doing nothing but to worsen things out, and increase the pain I had for so many years. It seems to me that the only way is to go back, and think back why all this things happened to me in the first place.

When I got back after a few years, I saw my old friends and my family waiting for me in their respective places. I first went to my family and enjoyed some of my time with them, although things are still blurry to me. I never thought I could have a decent family dinner with them after so many years of struggle and battle against myself. After that, I went to see my old friends, and they were eager to see me. I thought everything would turn out pretty well but there are so many questions that still linger in my mind. Why me? Why this? What happened? Where are they when I needed them?

I went back to our local church and found a friend, a very close friend; he was like a father, a brother, and a friend to me. He was there all the time, he’s like waiting for me all those time to come back and do what is right. I never thought I would see him again, talk to him even. But he’s there. He’s always there. And he never left.

He asked me if I would like to join him inside the church for a couple of weeks, maybe listen to a few words he and his friends will say. He’s actually inviting me to join the community, he was very persuasive, and because I could not resist his offer, I finally gave in. Me and my friend decided to attend for a couple of weeks, and listen to words that will come out in their mouths. I admit that at first, I was not really that interested. I don’t even want to listen or attend anymore. I was so bored that I even thought of not seeing the priest again for quite some time. But something made me attend those meetings, and I never thought I could even finish it.

I was struck with some of the words that he discussed. He was retelling us about the story of Moses, wherein he helped the Israelites in their exile from Egypt. He told us that in our every situation, those things that happened to us and made us feel rejected or down, the problems that we had in our lives, everything that we thinks make us evil and miserable, those are the situations wherein we are like the Israelites still having a very hard time in Egypt, being controlled and dying because of their hardships, and every one of us have our own Egypts, we just don’t realize it yet. But at the end of the day, Moses will come, and he will help us overcome our Egypt, help us find the way to a better life, wherein there’s someone waiting for us, and most of the time carry us on our way there. He’s there. He’s always there.

I then began to wonder, who is my Moses?

CHAPTER NINE

The New Life

I had the almost perfect life when I returned at our place. My family’s great, school’s great, I found new friends, and everything’s turning out really fine. It seems to me that my relationship with this priest is making my life even more wonderful. He helped me in so many ways, in terms of my vices, my family problems, and my personality development, almost everything. He truly is God’s instrument for making me realize all the things that I have done wrong in the past.

It was going so well when something came up quite shocking at that time. The priest who is also my friend had a terrible accident. While he was playing his past time sport, he had a heart attack and died a couple of hours after. It was so shocking that I was at school back then and I still couldn’t believe it that time although it was one of my closest friends who break the news to me.

A friend once told me after that incident that he died for a good cause, he knew that he’s time is nearly to its end, so he did what he must do. He helped me and lots of people to realize that God is there, He loves us no matter what, whatever situation we are into, and the priest truly helped us in realizing that is the truth.

The day before his burial, the priest’s body was transferred to another place, a parish where he also served well and was loved by the people there. We all went there for a mass and a gathering for his death. And before the mass started, me and my friends went walking and looking for some of our friends who were not with us when we came there. While walking and strolling around the area, I saw a very beautiful lady. She had this glow on her face, and a smile so breathtaking. I would never forget the first day that I saw her face. I even wrote a story about me and that lady when I was still studying, and I posted most of them in the bulletin board of Friendster. It’s like my heart was filled with awe that time and I was overwhelmed by the feeling. God took away my friend who helped me in my battles in life, but He gave me a new inspiration the day before I said goodbye to my friend, and she was so breathtaking that I almost forgot why I even went to that place.

It was the end of my old life, and the start of a new one.

CHAPTER TEN

Even up to this very moment, I still remember the first day I met that lady. She was so stunningly beautiful, and I had to do something just so I could have the chance to meet her personally. I remembered my previous bulletins here in Friendster; I related what transpired that night and some people texted me and sent me messages just so they can find out what happened in my little adventure with my emotions. She was actually introduced to me by my friend, a very close friend, who happens to be one of the few people who was there for me at times I need a helping hand, and he was so supportive that he introduced me to the lady of my dreams. I remembered that night, I told her I was only 16 years old, and she actually believed it was true. I never thought people would actually believe me when I say those things, for most of the people I know think I’m actually older than 30.

I will never forget that night, for I still remember the first time I saw her smile. We went out just so we could get to know each other and it actually turned out just fine. I remember the first time we actually had the chance to talk face to face, we went to a coffee shop nearby and I actually told her everything about me, the drugs, the fighting, the organization, the temper, everything. It was actually something I was not to proud of, for most of the times when I go out with other people, I usually do a lasting impression, sometimes brag about myself, or do something that would remember me with, but not as a bad guy, only as a sweet and romantic fool. But that time I never knew what came to me. I just told her the truth, and it boggles my mind afterwards. She actually freaked out, even though she didn’t say a thing. I saw it in her two very attractive eyes, and she’s actually not that good in hiding it. I wanted to stop telling her everything about me, but I can’t. It’s like I don’t have the power to do it. And I was practically going on and on until there was no room to hide myself into.

We started talking and sending messages to one another, it was one of the best things that ever happened to my entire life. It was like magic, I never thought she would speak to me again, after I blurted out everything about me. It was a lasting impression alright, but I never thought it would be a good one after that. I remembered the time I told her about my feelings, I gave her a box. Inside the box was a poem I wrote, some flower incense, my journal, and a tape with songs that I personally wrote myself. One of the songs I wrote was actually dedicated to her, and for me, it was one of the best songs that I’ve ever written in my entire life. I was so inspired one night and I can’t stop thinking about her, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, just because all I do was daydream, dream about her. It was one magic I will never forget for the rest of my life.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

What Dreams May Come

Even when I was still 10 years old, I dreamt of having a little sister of my own. You see, I belong to a family of 5, and all three of us are brothers, no female whatsoever, only my mom. I was too envious with some of my friends who have sisters and they get together very well. Since then, I started persuading my parents of having another baby, but this time I want a sister. Even my younger brothers want the same thing. A baby sister.

Whenever my birthday comes along, I only had one wish. To have a little sister of my own. Just one. But it seems to me that my wish was never granted. And it really makes me feel sad everytime I see my friends with their own sisters. It’s like envy is consuming me little by little, part by part, and I started hating that. I started hating all of it.

After 10 years, I still dream of the same thing over and over again. I still wanted to have a little sister of my own. But dreams may never really come to those who don’t deserve it. I then started to realize, maybe I don’t deserve to have a sister. Maybe I’m not worthy enough. Maybe I’m not like other people.

Me and my friends at the youth ministry held our annual parish youth day, and we invited youth from different schools across our parish, there I meet several young people, who actually started calling me "Kuya" the day we first met. After that event, I started visiting them at their classes. It was the start of a lasting relationship.

That’s when I realize one thing. God doesn’t want to give me just one little sister. He wanted me to have more than a dozen. And it was something I was very grateful of. These young people made my life complete. We started hanging out, they started sharing their thoughts and problems to me, and I felt like a real older brother to them. For me, they were the best gifts I’ve received ever since I was 10 years old.

Today, they are having their graduation day. It seems to me that the little women are starting to grow as ladies in their very own ways. I am so proud of meeting and having these young people. I am very blessed, just like the other people who knew them. And I’ll never forget the day that we all first met.

To Jhoanne, for being the true little sister I never had, thank you for being a part of my life.

To Sugar, for staying as sweet and as funny as you are whenever we were together, thank you for letting me into your life.

To Dinia, for being the littlest yet funniest gal I’ve met, thank you for being so special that you always make me smile.

To Janin, for being strong and courage even in the hardest of times, thank you for believing in me and my capabilities.

To Harlene, though we don’t see each other that often anymore, thank you for letting me know that people needs to smile and accept life the way it has been.

To Geneh, my not-so-little sister, thank you for the unlimited smiles you brought to me at times I feel hard as rock.

To Alexis, for being lovable and cuddly, thank you for giving me some space in your heart and providing me the trust that I earned from you.

To Roselyn, the most innocent and discreet person in the group, thank you for trusting me the way I trusted you all this time.

To Gessie, the brightest yet humble lady I’ve ever met, thank you for always remembering me even if you have your own life right now.

To Savina, one of the prettiest faces I’ve ever seen, thank you for the inspiration, your dedication towards others inspired me a lot especially at times I feel unworthy of being a leader.

To Belle, the most lovable woman in the world, thank you for all the love I felt from you, for showering me all the care I felt in my entire life.

To Thepthep, for trusting me and confiding in me at times when you need a helping hand, thank you for giving me the trust and the confidence you showered on me.

To Klangklang, the happiest person in the world, thank you for giving me the smiles of the morning breeze and the laughter of the evening dew.

And the only male, to Jovan, the strength and power of the group, thank you for inspiring me in believing myself and in believing to the power of God.

To all of you, congratulations and may God give you the strength to move forward. I just hope you’ll never forget that sometime in your life, you came across the way of someone like me…

…your ever-loving "Kuya".

CHAPTER TWELVE

In Living Colors

I had so much fun and laughter everytime me and my little sisters get together. We usually meet almost everyday and I’ve told them almost everything they need to know about me. Even my hop in the ride of love.

I was so fond of this particular lady and I had so much fun just by talking to her or sending her messages. I don’t know what it is or why it is so good that I sometimes forget of all the other people living and breathing behind or beside me. I was like living in seven different colors, each colors representing a feeling, an emotion, a passion, that only I feel whenever I see her, or I’m with her, or even when I just hear her very precious voice.

Red: I see red everytime I feel her presence. It makes me move things. I feel so passionate and full of joy whenever I know that she’s there. You see, she’s always there. I was never alone, for everytime I needed someone to listen to, someone to hear me out, and she’s there. She blows the red out of me.

Orange: Confidence. The only thing I am so proud of. The only virtue I’m aware of that I really have. And everytime I get the chance to share something to her, she made me feel so confident, so open, that even just by knowing that she’s there all the time, confidence is what triggers me to open up everything I need to tell her.

Yellow: The feeling of calmness. You see, most people know me as cold-blooded, ruthless, and have a hard time controlling my temper. But whenever I think of her lovely face, calmness helps me to realize that me too make mistakes in my life and getting hot-headed will never help me in conquering my emotions. It will only result to trouble, mischief, or even death.

Green: Most people think of the color green as the color of nudity, of persuasive action to have boldness in life, of malicious content of the mind. But for me, green as what I see everytime I feel relaxed and easy. My mind helps me to feel the coolness of my body. And this is what comes after I felt calmness.

Blue: You may never know it but you will only feel happiness when you realize that God is moving in your life. He is alive and he wants to work with us in our lives. That’s what I realize the moment I first saw her face. God wants me to feel happy by using one of his greatest creations, an angel without wings but with a heart of gold and the beauty of nature’s perfect being. That’s her alright.

White: The feeling of peacefulness. I seldom share my experiences to most of my friends nowadays, and I sometimes have a hard time of opening up to them. But with her, she makes it feel so easy. And after every conversation, I feel so peaceful. It’s like I’m talking to one of God’s most precious creations, and I’m so blessed of having her as a friend and staying with her especially at times like it was so rough I want all of it to end. Like I said, she’s always there.

Black: After every conversation, every moment, everytime I think of her, I feel like a new man, reborn and ready to face the world once again. It’s like I’m a newly-born kid who’s just opening up to this thing called life, and I’m about to embark on another journey, a new journey, and everything is actually black. It’s fun knowing that me too can have a new life, and she showed me that.

All these colors give air to my life. I was very open with my feelings for her even with my little sisters. It seems to me that I’ve been living in a dream, a dream where almost anything is possible, a dream where the heart never stops beating, a dream where life is much more likely the way I want it to be, and it relaxes me. It makes me feel happy. And I would never want that feeling to end.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Birds of the Same Feathers, Understand Each Other

I was a student at a very popular computer school here in the country, and I should say I have earned the respect and courtesy I wanted from most of my friends there. I became rich with the people I trust, the people I care, and the people I love. I believe that even up to this moment, I still feel the same way to the people I met there the first time we got together, I still think of them as the best of friends anyone could have. I had several uneasy situations with different and almost all sorts of people, but I still believe it’s worth the time, the experience is still fruitful. And for that, I will never forget a man of my likeness.

The first time I met this guy was when we had our orientation. He was sitting in front of me, and all he did was look at me, smile, then nod his head. I did the same thing and it’s like we understand each other just by doing that sort of action. It felt like I already know this guy for quite some time.

First day of classes. I found out that we were classmates for most of our subjects and we actually have the same schedule. For the first time, I saw a man who actual looks like he fears nothing, and he’s confident in whatever he does. I then started to admire this guy, knowing that he can be a good friend.

We had our chats, small ones. I found out we had almost the same experiences. He too was once an addict just like me, and even worse. He’s dosage is even higher than what I usually take. I was so impressed with his beliefs that I then began to wonder and reflect with my past life. This man is actually just like me; our only difference is he never regrets any of it to happen. He’s even thankful that it DID happened; for he knows he learned and earned something from it, one way or another. He has a positive outlook in life. I had none. So I thought I could learn more from this man.

We became friends. Very good and close friends. He was like a brother to me. I learned so many things from him, his positive perspective towards life, the things I could do to prevent my bad temper, and the things I could do something bad happens. We had all the time in the world and he was very good in what he says.

There was one thing that was interesting with our friendship, he is a Muslim and I’m a catholic. When I told my community about it, some of them actually thought it was a good idea, knowing that two people living in different worlds can be the best of friends. Some even judged us for what we had. People think that he could influence me with my faith and belief or vice versa. But nothing like that happened. We shared our beliefs with our different religions but we never fought or argue about it. All we did was encourage each other everytime we had our differences. It was one of the best times of my life.

I will never forget a man like that.

To Edruzier, thank you for being a very close friend. It is true that we did believe in one thing…

Birds of the same feathers, understand each other.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

And The Story Continues…

I was so deeply in touch with my emotions before that I actually thought of finding the right person at the right moment of my life. And eventually, my search for that person finally ended. I actually thought that I’ve found the angel I’ve been looking for all those years. And it was one of the best times of my life.

One Christmas, I decided to give her a visit. I actually planned everything that is to be done so that she would be pleased. I bought a bouquet of assorted flowers, a pair of slippers with Tigger’s face, an inspirational book, and a shirt made in airbrush painting with my favorite drawing piece on it. I realized if I could give her something that is very important to me; it means I can give up anything that I have just so we could be together. And so I did, I gave her my most prized possession, my masterpiece, my favorite drawing piece that I always use in different drawing competitions. It never failed me. Not even once. And now that it’s out in the public, I can’t use it anymore. It’s good and frustrating at the same time, knowing that she now has my most prized possession, and it’s like having a part of me, and at the same time, I can’t use it anymore, though I know it’s my most important drawing piece.

It seems to me that our relationship as good friends started to deepen, and steps are now being taken. But something stupid crashed all my hopes and dreams with her, something I should never have believed in the first place, and something very foolish…

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

Thinking Aloud

Forgive me if I haven’t been able to finish my story. I was so busy before that I had to do several jobs for several people. Anyway, I’m back now with the story, and you may all been wondering what the hell happened…

Like what I said, I was so deeply in touch with my emotion back then, that sometimes stupid things came into my mind. I have this friend. Remember I told you that the girl was only introduced to me by a very close friend? Well, this friend, I trusted so much that I think of him as my elder brother. We belong in the same community in the church. One time, another brother in the community told me something that I should have never believed at all. He told me that this friend of ours is actually courting the girl I fell in love with behind my back! I was shocked, frustrated, mad even! I didn’t know what to do, what to think, or even what to believe! But I did. I did believe the false accusations and hatred consumed me. All those time I can’t sleep, I can’t eat; I can’t even do the stuff I always do before. Behind my mind I was thinking aloud, "what the hell happened? Why on earth would he betray me? Why me? All this time I thought he was my friend, but then again, I was wrong…" These are the thoughts that consumed me. And for months it made feel very much angry, or even furious with what I heard. And this started a new and different kind of relationship…

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Trust

I was stupid enough to believe hearsays regarding a very good friend. I was even more stupid when I thought of different things regarding that friend. I hated him for a very long time. And my greatest mistake was to not talk to him regarding the said matter. I was consumed by the different emotions that stricken me that time; anger: which drove me into doing things that I swore I will never do again, fear: the thought of losing the girl whom I fell in love with suddenly crushed me into pieces, and sorrow: which I felt the first time I heard about the news.

After several sleepless nights and never-ending headaches just by thinking about it, I finally decided to approach the man and ask him about what I heard. The funny thing is he approached me first, and it was something worth remembering. He told me his side and cleared the issues about him and his so-called courtship. Everything I heard about him was just crap! He was giving me a straight and true answer. He never courted the girl and he respected our relationship as brothers in the community as well. I was so ashamed of him, the girl, and myself that I ended up praying, asking God for forgiveness, and giving me the strength to hold on to Him and move on with my life.

I never regret the day I heard about the hearsay. For it made me realize how stupid and selfish I am. And I finally had the courage to speak up and tell my friend even some things I wanted to tell him, all those things I think about him. God gave me a way of things, and he showed me what to do at times I feel excruciating pain. I thank Him for that.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

I Stood Up!

This is actually the story on how I stood up for priesthood. It was posted last September 04, 2005, my birthday. I thought since it was part of my story, I should place it also in "The Whereabouts of a Lost Soul". This is just a reminder for those who have read this part.

The experience in Germany was something to be treasured for the rest of my life! I never realized that it would be that fruitful… Everything turned out even more than I expected… God was so good… at the same time smart as well, that He gave me more than I asked of Him and it helped me realize what is it that I have to do with the life He gave to me.

I will never forget the experience in Dachau, wherein we saw posters and pictures of the people who were brutally murdered in the regime of Adolf Hitler. The agony these people had was actually felt by each and every one of us inside the museum and the gas chamber. It made us stop and think for a while… what would it be like if we were the one who where in these innocents’ shoes?

Also, the popular mission in Nuremberg was actually something that I will always remember. The testimonies of my fellow youths, their bravery, were actually an inspiration during our pilgrimage. Their life without God and how they managed to look for Him was something to ponder for a few seconds of my time.

I still remember the words that Pope Benedict XVI gave us: "observe signs…" Something that I never did when I had the chance.

There is a word that I kept hearing in my ears when we had the chance to meet Kiko, one of the pioneers of the Neocatechumenal Way. "Couragio". Courage. Fear not. So when he invited those young men who felt that God is calling them for service, before I didn’t know why but I actually stood up… and it was something that stunned some of the youth that we met. What I am holding on that time was the word I received from that pilgrimage, and after several scrutinies in the preformation, I still receive the same word over and over again. Maybe not all of the time, but when I browsed my Scrutacio notebooks, I saw that I had the same word several times. “’Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you, before you came to birth, I consecrated you; I have appointed you as prophet to the nations.’ I said, ‘Ah, Lord Yahweh; look, I do not know how to speak; I am a child.’ ‘Go now to those whom I send you and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to protect you – It is Yahweh who speaks!’ - Jeremiah 1:5-8”

A drug addict turned priest.

"Be not afraid.” the voice in my ears said. "Be not afraid with the discriminations, persecutions, rejections, worldly things."

Courage. Fear not.

("Couragio! Fear not!" - Padre Paulino, Padre Santiago, and Kiko)

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

Holding To Emotions

This is another part of the story which was posted last November 28, 2005. I thought I had to include this since it was actually part of the story before I even put an end to it. So for those who have read it already, this is actually just a refresher.

Last Sunday, I attended the meeting of the boys in pre-formation at the Redemptorist Mater seminary together with the 33 other young men who felt the call for priesthood. We had our celebration of the Eucharist there with Michael Fox as our celebrant, an English priest, one of our formators, who loves folk, rock, and country music. The Word was actually something that consoled me a lot especially now in my present situation. God gave Michael the Spirit so that he could give us clearly what God wants to tell us, what His message is all about.

I actually felt a lot of consolation with the Word that I’ve heard. It was always as fresh as ever, how God reminds me to be vigilant, to be awake, and be prepared for the day of His coming. I’m so glad that I became a part of the community.

After the formation meeting, we went to Greenhills to eat dinner. We had some chicken at KFC’s. Everything was so great that we had so much fun while eating. After filling up, we went out to smoke a few sticks and decided to head for home. But just as we head out of the door, out of nowhere, I was shocked that I saw a face, a face that I was too scared to see, not because it was so scary, but because it was and will always be the most beautiful face that I’ve ever seen in my entire life. And I’m too scared to even look at it, for my eyes are not deserving enough to even take a glance of it.

The owner of the face is actually the woman that I first felt the feeling of intense.

Something that I’ve never felt in my entire life.

And I threw all that away.

All because I had to do what I had to do.

To respond to His call.

When I actually saw her, I felt like I want to touch her face… feel her rosy cheeks.. kiss her soft lips… embrace her tight and never let her go… it’s like the world is flashing right before my eyes… at that very moment… thinking back of what had happened in the past… remembering the days that I actually think of her… every minute… every second… every hour… everyday…

But all of that turns out to be what people usually call…

Fantasy.

I don’t know why and I don’t know how…

All I know is that it can’t be done.

It is not right anymore.

Everytime I see her, I feel the same way… the same feeling that I felt the very first time that I laid my eyes on her.

I felt butterflies in my stomach.

And even up to this very moment, I still feel the same way.

I still feel the butterflies flying around my stomach.

I just hope that God continue to give me the Spirit in the situation that I am into.

I let God do the rest.

EPILOGUE

Like what I told you from the start, this is not my story. This is the story of how God loves me the way I am. This is the story of the goodness of the Lord. Maybe you’ll start asking, “If what you say is true, that what you have experienced is the love of God, then where is God at the time of your sickness? Where is God at the time when you are in jail? Where is God when you did those horrible things? Where is God when everybody condemned and persecuted you? Where is God in that?”

I can assure you that God is there and he works in my complete history. Let me tell you one thing; before I was blind, and I did not believe in the love of God, instead, I did things in my own will, and because of that, I ended up dying. There is God. He existed. I just did not believe that before. I could not see the love of God only because I was too preoccupied doing things on my own, instead of obeying to His will. I was like Abraham when he did things on his own so that the promise will be fulfilled, but then he ended up crashing to pieces. I could tell you now; my greatest cross right now is my sickness, and I thought that it was a punishment, and suffering is a mishap, for it destroys me much. But now, little by little, God is curing me from that blindness, He continues to give me how beautiful the life He has prepared for me. And I realized that my sickness is one of the greatest graces I have received from God, my weaknesses are one of the greatest blessings He gave me, for everytime God shows me how weak I am, the more I ask God for His mercy; to have pity on me, to ask Him to give me the Spirit, to convert my heart everyday of my life, to look up on Him instead of looking on myself.

I’ve had the best and worst experiences in my entire life. I’ve been persecuted, humiliated, kicked out of the way, and condemned by those whom I offended. I have destroyed the lives of many and influenced other people to do the same as well. I was one of the worst scums of the universe and was even proud to be that way. I created scenarios which in turn made me into something most people don’t want to see and have gathered the likes of me to spread our evil into society. I had several fights with different types of people and was even proud enough to brag about it. I was the perfect epitome of evil and I admit that. I don’t want to hide it, I may not be the perfect man in the world but there’s one thing I realized, that God ALWAYS gives us second chances. And it’s even seventy times seven of second chances. Better than those whom you think would give you chances in your lives.

The best thing about my experiences was I learned something from it. That God loves us whatever situation we are into. He never fails to listen, and He sent His son here on earth not for the righteous, but for those sinners just like me. I am just like everybody else, a sinner who asks God for forgiveness and His Spirit so that I can continue to walk in His way.

These experiences are for those who felt uneasy, awkward, or even think that they have the worst scenarios in their lives right now. Be not afraid, for God has prepared the way for you. He is the perfect guide and will lead you into walking in the right path. I do not ask you to be inspired with the experiences I had, nor to imitate me with what I have done in the past years of my life. I just wanted to show you how grateful I am that God is still here to listen, and he always gives me chances to redirect my path. It’s up to you if you want to discriminate me or judge me with what I wrote here. All I’m saying is that I thank the day that I realized what God gave me in my entire life. Just like what Agatha Christie said, "I like living. I may sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, racked with sorrow. But through it all, I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing." I thank God for giving me life. Where there is death, there is life. Where there is suffering, there is happiness.

This not the end of the story. This is actually the beginning. The start of a fresh day. I am still a sinner and I do not hide that fact. But I do not want to end up that way. I still ask God for His help, His guidance, His spirit, so that sometime in the future, when my time comes, I will be ready to serve Him the way He wanted it to be.

For those who believe in Him, continue believing, and pray that God gives you the Spirit to accept the situations you are into right now, whether it is good or bad, for when that time comes, you don’t have to doubt anymore you’ll just believe.

Be ready to believe again.

Shalom.